Monday, March 29, 2010

Sibling Un-rivalry

I have always had an issue with the Meatball and Spaghetti being 6 years apart. Not that I had planned their ages intentionally, but I guess in the grand scheme of things I would've liked to have seen a smaller age gap. I assumed that a smaller age gap would bring them closer together naturally or that they would just have more in common and relate as friends not just siblings. I was afraid that because of their difference in age they wouldn't be as bonded. But what did I know? I'm an only child. And now realize I didn't have a thing to worry about.

Ever since I was pregnant with Spaghetti though, I've almost always have gotten annoyed with family members (the Colonel and Rambo included) telling the Meatball how now that she was going to be a big sister, she had to help me out as much as she could. "Okay, Meatball, be sure to help your Mommy around the house now." "Meatball you have to help take care of your little sister for your mommy now."  I would cringe every time someone would say something to that effect. I wasn't looking at our newest addition to turn the Meatball into Mommy's Little Helper or Mommy 2.0! I was worried that all this Meatball helping me around the house and with her sister would make her grow up too fast. All this advise motivated me to preserve Meatball's childhood as much as I could, especially when Spaghetti was born.

For the nine months of Spaghetti's life, I never asked the Meatball for help. I pretty much let her do her own thing (color, play legos, watch The Electric Company) and made sure that she knew she didn't need to help. For a while there I thought what I was doing worked well, however, I started to notice a couple things that I didn't expect. First, the Meatball wasn't connecting with her sister. She didn't know how to play with an infant and well there's not much playing going on with an infant. Secondly, the Meatball was starting to do more and more things by herself which seemed pretty isolating. Third, Pretty Pants and I were exhausted.

So I finally asked for help. I needed to take a shower and had asked the Meatball if she could just watch her sister. To my surprise the Meatball was very happy to take on this responsibility. It was almost like she took on this secondary maternal role towards her sister, which in reality, was her falling into the role of big sister! All my fears of her feeling too much obligation, too much responsibility once she had a sibling had diminished as I observed their sibling bond grow through the Meatball taking care of her sister. I guess that's what siblings are supposed to do. And maybe since I didn't have an example to reflect on, I couldn't understand the concept. Today, they are inseparable (at least for now); sleeping, eating, bathing, and playing together. Spaghetti adores the ground Meatball walks on, mimicking her every word and move. In turn, the Meatball adores her little sister, teaching and guiding her just as older sisters should. Do I still cringe at big sister, big obligation remarks? Yes, but in our house, it simply doesn't happen that way. These two have each others' backs, no obligation necessary.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It's just emotions, taking me over...

Isn't it amazing how children's emotions can range from ridiculously frustrated to pensive to utter joy in 5 minutes or less? Playing around with my kinda new toy and doing what I like to do best: observe my girls in action, I saw just that, an almost rhythmic pattern of emotions playing out when Spaghetti doesn't get what she wants.


I couldn't even begin to tell you what this tantrum was about but I do know it began (and more importantly) ended in record time. Of course, Spaghetti loves to subject us to longer periods of tantrums but it must have been a special day because this one was quite short. 

Honestly, I thought I was one of those few lucky parents that would never have a tantrum kid. I could almost apply Spaghetti's older sister, the Meatball for sainthood for blessing me with an almost-perfect-it's-scary childhood. Eight years tantrum-free? I was on a roll. Then along came Spaghetti, who my husband and I named Tornado for her boisterous, infectious and emotional personality. "My goodness," is all the Colonel could say in reaction to her second apo (grandchild in Pilipino) "that Spaghetti is something else." As I watch my mother observe my daughter, I could sense the curiousity and amusement in her gaze almost in wonder as to how a little 2 year old can emanate so many different emotions?


As a child, I, like the Meatball, was shy and introverted. So whenever I was anything other than quiet or polite my parents would look at me strangely. A perfect example would be my own tantrums at 8 years old, "Why are you crying?" The Colonel would ask quizzically as if she were asking me to solve for the Pythagorean theorem. "I don't know!" I recall screaming back exasperated. And that was the honest truth, I didn't know and the more the Colonel kept giving me that you-are-a-strange child look the deeper I fell into the hole of not recognizing what I was feeling. 

As I look back, I realize that this wasn't their fault. My parents did not grow up in an environment that allowed them to talk about their feelings, much less attach names to them. Of course, they were happy, sad, angry, excited, they just never talked about them. Growing up in the Philippines was about working hard, studying hard and making sacrifices, there was no time wasted on figuring out emotions.

Remembering what it felt like to not have my mother understand me when I could barely understand myself as a child, I felt that it was really important to start identifying emotions at a young age with my girls. Even just naming their emotions when I sense a change in their mood or asking them questions to check in to see what they're feeling and also letting them know that it's perfectly okay to not feel or think of anything at all. (A tough one for us ladies, right?!?) Or throw a tantrum if you feel like it!

Any other techniques out there on teaching emotions?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Family Meeting

For the most part, the Meatball, a second grader gets excellent grades. So when she got a B- in Reading Comprehension, Pretty Pants and I were concerned. As a way to monitor her progress, we decided to hold what we called family meetings every Friday night after dinner. We used this time to review and discuss the Meatball's graded work from the week. With each of us sitting at the dining room table, (Little Spaghetti had to be preoccupied w/Yo Gabba Gabba during these times) the Meatball would introduce each paper, explain what was required of her and announce what grade she got. My husband and I would then take turns asking her questions or giving her comments about her work. Family meetings turned out to be very effective for us and a great tool for opening up dialogue. It was an opportunity for Meatball to have all our attention and a platform to learn how to present and communicate. The first few meetings we would get a lot of "I don't knows" or "I forgots" from the Meatball when she would present her work to us but after a couple rounds, she began to feel more comfortable expressing and communicating to us what she did learn and/or what she was struggling with.

Family meetings lasted for a good two months. (Consistency is so tough!) The Meatball's grades improved. We got busy and family meetings fell to the wayside. Until the Meatball brought up, "Why don't we have family meetings anymore?" Not wanting to give her the "we got busy" excuse, I replied, "Well, why don't you remind us?"
The next day on the refrigerator, I saw this:


I was so proud that the Meatball took the initiative and organized her own meeting! On Friday, she had all her homework prepared and ready to be presented. As she led her meeting, I found myself realizing how well we worked as a unit, a team, which just adds so much more to the concept of family. Just because Mommy and Dad aren't leading it doesn't mean that children cannot step up and take ownership over certain tasks or events to be seen and heard. Way to go Meatball!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

wanted: babysitter - must be a relative or someone you know

When I first moved up to the Bay Area I was a single parent to the Meatball who was only six years old. Having moved up here for school, I didn't have much of a support system to rely on. When I had told the Colonel and Rambo of my decision to uproot myself and the Meatball six hours away, they were very worried. Who would help me? Who would watch the Meatball while I was at school? Who did they know up there that can help? My parents scoured their resources to find anyone they knew. Because according to them, for darn sure, I wasn't going to get a stranger!

Growing up I never had a babysitter my parents didn't know already. It was as if the idea of having someone watch your child that was a stranger was the worst thing you could do. The only sitter I ever had was Aling(Ah-ling) Rose. Aling Rose was a kind, older Filipino lady that lived across the street from my elementary school. She had around 8 other Filipino kids that she would watch before and after school at her tiny one bedroom duplex that smelled like smoke (yes, Aling Rose was a smoker, yikes!), fried fish and Ben Gay and had the television blaring all day long.  You could probably guess by now it wasn't the most enriching environment but it was what my parents were comfortable with.

So when it was time to search for a babysitter for the Meatball, Rambo finally found a cousin of his that happened to live in my neighborhood. He called her and arranged everything. I met "Tita" (meaning aunt in Pilipino) one night while my parents were in town to initiate the relationship. It was an odd sort of arrangement because I didn't know her but since my parents did and I was in a desperate situation, I agreed. According to my parents, Tita was to care for the Meatball on the evenings when I went to school. I would drop her off, I would pick her up. Sometimes she would make me food to bring home and we would have quick chats during the Meatball transactions, but other than that, to me, Tita was a stranger. When I would ask the Meatball what she did while at Tita's the answer was always the same, "I watched tv." Great, Aling Rose version 2.0.

Fast forward a couple months later and Tita babysitting was still awkward. I knew I needed to shop for a babysitter. I needed to find someone that would actually care for the Meatball, play with her, help her with her homework and follow the routine I set in place. With Tita babysitting all the structure fell to the wayside, for one she was doing it for free and well that's all the explanation you need really, right? With so much anxiety and borderline paranoia, I logged on to SitterCity for the first time and scoured the babysitters' profiles meticulously, wondering if there were any crazies behind any of these smiling faces.

I can't tell you I found the perfect stranger to babysit the Meatball on SitterCity. But what I did find was of pure coincidence, almost serendipitous. Turns out one of Pretty Pants's friend's sister (say that three times backwards) was on SitterCity! The search was over! In retrospect, I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree,  just like my parents, I'll always try to find someone I know first and then hope for some good luck. Yet unlike my parents, I'll make sure the babysitter(s) actually provide a nurturing experience.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I am blogger, here me ROAR!

I am definitely ecstatic that Spaghetti and Meatball has been picked up by Just Mommies Blogs! Just Mommies is an online parenting community packed with information, groups and a variety of resources on all things family. Every now and then, JM will be selecting posts from Spaghetti and Meatball to be published on their site.

This is such a great honor for me and I am truly humbled to be able to join the group of bloggers over at JM. Being in a community of authors that are willing to share their parenting experience as to help and support others is very inspiring and I'm so excited to be a part of it!

Go check it out, here!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A little dinner music

Pretty Pants and I have a combined total of 4,432 songs on our iPods. 4,432! I'm sure a lot of you out there have so much more and if you do please tell me what you do with all that music?!? I was fortunate that my parents were avid music listeners and that we drove cross country (thrice!) so I really got into the habit of listening to music at an early age. Enough to collect music from various genres and artists that make up the soundtrack of my life. But I'll talk more about why I think music is so meaningful in a future post.

One way we incorporate music in our lives is playing music during dinner. We've already established the importance of eating together as a family but each time we sit down for our evening meal either my husband or I selects a genre or album we haven't heard in a while and have it play in the background. Our music selection can go from: pop, rock, r&b, soul, classical, international, hip hop, oldies, OPM (Original Pilipino Music) and holiday. (Christmas music starts playing in our house right after Halloween) The girls seem to enjoy it as we laugh and dance together in our seats or play the, "What instrument/artist is that?" recognition game. Playing music during dinner is another piece of our routine that I hope the girls will take with them when they have their own families. As I have fond memories of those cross country trips with my parents and the music they played I can only hope I've added to my girls' life soundtrack.

Here are some of the music we play during dinner:

Aerosmith'S Greatest HitsBuena Vista Social Club August Rush: Music From The Motion Picture 100 Best Film Classics Once Again Anthology Abbey Road (Remastered) Songs of Freedom The Power Of One: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast) THE E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies) Be40/4019Breath from AnotherGreatest Hits

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

sleeping like queens

My two year old, Spaghetti, is not what I would call a good sleeper. Compared to her sister, Meatball, who has slept like an angel (on time and through the night) since birth, getting Spaghetti to sleep (and stay asleep has always been challenging. So when it was time for Spaghetti to make the transition to a toddler bed a couple months ago, she wouldn't have it.

My husband, Pretty Pants and I had the normal bedtime routine down: bath, story, prayer, song and a soothing sound machine. Even with all our efforts, she would still creep out of bed and try to sneak herself into her play things in the living room as if we wouldn't notice her. Since we were always in the living room after we put her to bed, we tried a different tactic and went to our bedroom instead in the hopes that Spaghetti would think everyone was sleeping too. This plan had a different success than we had expected. After a few hours of hiding out in our bedroom, my husband and I checked Spaghetti's room only to find she wasn't there! Instead, we found our girls, squished together on Meatball's twin sized bed sound asleep. All of a sudden, Spaghetti made a new bedtime routine: bath, story, prayer, song, soothing sound machine, sneak into my sister's bed.

After a few weeks of "sneaking around" my husband and I decided, why not just have them share a bed? It took us some time to deliberate over this matter. We considered their age gap (Meatball, 8; Spaghetti, 2) Would this be appropriate? Would they disrupt each other's sleep? I even asked my mother, the Colonel, only to get the 7-of-us-had-to-sleep-in-one-room-in-the-Philippines story on repeat. Then we asked Meatball if she thought it was okay and we knew she had mixed emotions about it: for one, she didn't know if she wanted to sleep with her sister but then again it was better than sleeping by herself, so she agreed. We couldn't afford to buy another bed but we did have a daybed with a trundle that the Colonel had given us for our spare bedroom. Luckily for us, we were able to convert the two twins we had to a king sized bed.

For a good two months, the transition worked out perfectly. For the girls, it was like a mini-slumber party every night before they went to bed. For my husband and I we were able to get an hour of our relaxation time back. We decided to check in with Meatball every six months or so to see if she was still okay with the sleeping arrangements. But at the same time, enforcing our parental authority that this is what they had to do. Lola, their grandmother, had to do it in the Philippines growing up, so why can't they? After two blissful months of more rest for everyone, Spaghetti went back to taking about an hour to settle down and sleep. Sometimes she still wakes up in the middle of the night, in which case either Pretty Pants or I or both of us can now lie down next to her and her snoring sister on their big king bed where we can all sleep like royalty.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

growing a social conscience

I've been a lot more grateful lately. I've found that when times are tough, I've found myself having just a little more patience and a lot more faith that things will all work out for the best. And as I hold my breath for the moments where I feel that I've ridden out the rough patches of life and am basking in the sun at the end of a journey, I realize how blessed I really am.


Which leads me to think about the meaning of gratitude, the rewards of giving back, of paying forward to those who are less fortunate or just need more support, because the reality is we all have/is/will be at a point of our own journeys where we would be on the receiving end of someone's kindness. I think about serving community a lot. I've been strategizing in my head where I would like to spend my time, what I would like to give back to and how I would go about doing it. (I know I think wayyy too much) I think about how important it is for my girls to see their parents involved in charitable activities. To be their examples for kindness, empathy,  and doing good for the greater good sometimes overwhelms me (there goes that too much thinking again) but at the same time I know that my actions will speak so much louder than my words, especially when it comes to making a difference. Because isn't that what we want our children to grow up to be after all? Conscientious, empathetic, kind and respectful individuals?
The Colonel was always so heavily involved in her community. I've been so blessed to have this woman, my mother show me through her actions how gratifying being a part of something greater than yourself and your family means. Because isn't that what it's all about? "Healing the world, making it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race..."(thanks MJ) Taking some time out to help someone else is always a positive experience. Whether it be holding the door for someone else, a thank you to the cashier at your grocery store, letting someone cut in front of you because they look like they're in a hurry or they've got a crying baby that you know they just want out the door, I've taken these small actions daily and they really do make a big difference in how the rest of my day goes.


So now I'm ready to take the next big step towards paying it forward and granted it's a semi-selfish act but hey we're talking baby steps here right? Looks like Disney's got the right attitude by promoting their "Give a Day, Get a Day" program. Pretty Pants and I are planning to sign up this month so stay tuned!


Let's be kind today, folks!



Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My Filipina Women, My herStory

The Colonel celebrated her 70th birthday over the weekend. In fact, her and Spaghetti were born on the same day! So the family and I headed to my hometown where we hosted a party in her honor. Of course, she did most of the planning: coordinating the program, scouting for a venue and managing the guest list. But last Saturday night about 100 folks came to celebrate my mother's birthday and life!  It was such a special occasion.

For her celebration, the Colonel had asked me to put together a montage of her life for the party. She had sent me photographs from all parts of her life along with their descriptions and as I worked through the photographs I could not help but feel so proud of her and all that she has done in her life. My mother was born in Pampanga, a province in the Philippines in 1940. She is the eldest of 4 brothers and 2 sisters. She attended medical school in the Philippines then immigrated to the United States. Her first stop was New York City where she continued to pursue her education and was able to achieve her license to practice medicine here. She then joined the Air Force where she met and married my father, Rambo.  My parents worked really hard for their lives here. When it came time for them to get out of the Air Force they both continued to work and at the same time my mother got heavily involved with her church and community. She is an advocate for the Filipino-American youth church community establishing various cultural, sporting and religious events to keep the youth involved.


My Lola (meaning grandmother in Filipino) was a school teacher, beauty queen in her province and a mother to 7 children. She survived and protected her first two children (including the Colonel) during the attack of the Japanese on the Philippines. During the later part of her life, left her husband, my Lolo, for years on end to come to the United States to help my parents raise me while they worked.

I am constantly amazed and empowered at how much hard work, sacrifice, commitment and strength these women in my herstory have shown in their lives. Coming from a place of poverty to the "American Dream", a piece of history that I always wonder, if I were in their shoes would I be able to do the same? Will my own girls look back at my life in admiration and for inspiration? What legacy will I be passing on for them?

Nonetheless, I am grateful for the women that shaped my life. For if it wasn't for them, I would not be who I am today.

Who's in your herstory?